Divorce - Is This What You Really Want?

So often a person contemplating divorce is asked “have you done everything you can to salvage your marriage”? My answer was, “yes, hence the reason I’ve given the idea so much thought”. Divorce is the most commonplace action in America and it is also known (although dissipating in numbers), it is predominantly men who usually cause or create the conditions the lead to divorce. Although many people believe divorce is not the only answer to marital difficulties, it is certainly a means to an end and justified as such. By now, if you’ve been contemplating divorce, you, too, may have been asked if you did all you cold to work out your marital problems. What is your deepest and most honest answer? I’d venture to bet the answers vary just as much as the reasons for divorce! What constitutes “doing all you can to salvage your marriage?” Have you prayed for help? Have you followed the counsel received from such prayer. Have you sought the assistance from your clergy and have you heeded such counsel? Have you met with a marriage therapist? Have you reasoned within your heart and mind that you know what went wrong in the marriage and why it went wrong? Have you simply come to the conclusion that enough is enough and “it simply isn’t worth trying anymore?” I understand your answers... and your reasoning.

The attorney’s I’ve worked with over the years ask many questions, making sure their clients really are completely IN ALL THE WAY with their decision. Let me explain; remember when you were little, or when your kids were little, and someone fell out of bed? Why’d they fall out of bed? Because they weren’t all the way in! In marriage, if you are not all the way “in” then it’s fairly easy to fall “out” of the feelings, emotions or reasons why you were ever in the marriage to begin with. If you are not all the way “in” with your divorce action, several things can happen. One thing is, you can be talked out of the divorce! You might change your mind! You’ll fall for any suggestion “just to be out of the marriage”. You have to be all the way “in” when you petition a divorce action. So, if you’re not sure what the arguing has been about that led to your decision to divorce, how can you be sure why you want a divorce?

You then need to ask what you’re really after in seeking a divorce. Did you fall out of love and there’s no way of falling in love with your spouse again? Are you the victim of domestic violence? Are you the victim of adultery? You’re hurting from the inside out for many reasons, if you’re seeking a divorce action. But are you also afraid? Will you need a protection order? Have you given everything a good thought as to what is involved in divorce? What is the end result of your expectations when all is said and done in the divorce action? Have you figured on alimony? Will you have to pay alimony? What about child-support? Child visitation? Is the cost of divorce worth the cost of remaining in your marriage? At this very moment, are you feeling confused? Well... I want to settle your confusion. First of all, remember, confusion is from the adversary and you cannot allow room for the adversary to creep in! Although divorce is a life-altering decision, it is a decision, with a great deal of help, can actually end up being the best thing you’ve ever done for yourself and even for your children! So, lets get on with the steps to your divorce action!

If He led you to it, He’ll lead you through it

The swirling of emotions, thoughts, physiological reactions, and the daunting effects of confusion seem to take over the mind of those contemplating or going through divorce. There are plenty of people ready to preach “from whom confusion comes”, when in reality, unless and or until someone experiences the exact self-same emotions, thoughts and physiological reactions you are at this very moment, there is no real “comfort” capable of immediately removing such a swirling whirlpool brewing within.

Indeed, the Savior is, (not only), our greatest Comforter, but also our greatest Advocate. In the previous blog entry, I shared with you the quote, “If He led you to it, He’ll lead you through it”. The quote was not to make feel as if the Savior, Himself brought you to the point of ending your marriage... but He might be supporting your decision! IF, and do I ever emphasize that word IF... IF you have prayed about your decision... IF you have taken all you can take, IF you have done all that you can do, IF you have made every effort feasible to work things out with, (in this order - believe this or not) your Lord, YOURSELF and your spouse. Why THAT order? If you have not already wearied the Lord, it's time to do so! Talk with Him. Really, really talk with Him. Then... LISTEN. I'm going to stop right here and share with you an experience from my life during my move toward divorce...

Upon going through my "IFs", I came to the conclusion that indeed, enough was enough, I had had enough, I didn't want to go through anything more and I had made every effort to come to some amicable sense of prolonging the inevitable. One more day was not going to make a positive difference.  I decided to make the decision and end the marriage, to divorce. I then started wearying the Lord with fervent supplication for Divine direction. No, I did not receive immediate inspiration - the Lord allowed me enough time to think about my decision, mull it over in my soul for a few days and then all of the sudden a talk I had listened to a few years back came to mind. John Bytheway tells of his decision-making method. He makes the decision then states, “Lord, if I’m wrong, stop me!” For lack of a better way to say this, I put the Lord to the test... took my decision to the Lord and pleaded for the action answer. He’d either stop me... or help me through it! And that He did! BUT... not without the test of “knowing for a surety” that the answer was directly from my Savior. This is how my answer came about!!!!

Everyday, I’d contemplate all aspects of divorce, how it’d affect my family, my friends, my church standing and yes, I even thought about my reputation... there’s nothing that seems to stop any thought, positive and negative, when divorce enters the picture! With each facet of divorce contemplation, I’d first finish the “what if” question game, (because you cannot just ask “what if” and NOT have an answer!!!)... For instance; “What if my neighbor judges me for going through a divorce and starts rumors about me...?” My own answer was; “So, let her judge me... what happens when others judge you? They will be judged the same way!!!”

Then in earnest prayer, I’d offer this plea, “Father, I’ve made the decision to end the marriage and cannot do this without Thee, please, if I’m wrong, stop me.” About a week I was heading toward the appointment with the divorce attorney when I witnessed a horrible accident. I was the only witness. I had no cell phone at the time. A young woman had been broadsided by a truck traveling several miles over the speed limit. I tended to the young woman, best I could, hoping to flag down someone passing by with a phone that would call for emergency assistance. In the meantime, a question came to mind, (how such a question weaved its way into my brain at that time, I have no idea), “Father, is this Thee “stopping” me?” After the accident report was made and I was no longer needed at the scene, I started off toward the attorney’s office once more, now nearly fifteen minutes late. I called to inform them of my reason for being late. Just as I rounded the corner to the attorneys office, a truck pulling a trailer with two ski-doos pulled out in front of me causing me to, literally, slam on my breaks. My heart raced with worry - thankfully I missed a collision by mere inches. I honestly screamed out, “Is this THEE trying to stop me, Heavenly Father?” Tears welled up in my eyes as I pulled into the parking lot of the office of the attorney. Thankfully, a dear friend was also waiting in the lobby of the office to calm my nerves and offered a prayer that calmed my soul. Days later I was speaking with a member of the High Counsel, (also a psychologist), whom suggested I remember the admonition found in the Doctrine and Covenants, section 85, verse 6:

“Yea, thus saith the still small voice, which whispereth through and pierceth all things, and often times it maketh my bones to quake while it maketh manifest, saying”, and sweetly reminded me that only Satan cries and stirs up the souls of men with a “loud voice” (Pear of Great Price, Moses 1:19).

 Therefore, Satan would have me believe the thunderous sounds of the clashing vehicles and then later, the screeching tires should be a loud enough warner.... but ONLY if I was not aware of that precious “still small voice” - the cessation from thunder - the Spirit telling me to shhhhhh, “Be still, and know that I am God”.... the rescuing whispers from a tender and lovingly abiding Father in Heaven, who indeed, only wants what’s best for me.

I signed the papers that began the divorce process. From that time on, NO, things were not always easy, as only a miraculously lived life would provide, they were, however, manageable... so long as... I stayed as close to the windows of Heaven as I possibly could. Almost comically, I read a quote a local card shop that read, “Seven days without prayer, makes one weak.” Prayer was not only a daily-do... it was a necessity - an open line of communication with, as mentioned previously, my greatest Advocate - the Savior, Jesus Christ.

Remember; the Savior did not create divorce... but He will, however, IF IT BE RIGHT, bring you through it. (Doctrine and Covenants 9:8-9).

There is Life After Divorce

Did you find yourself on this blog-site because you have questions? Are you just curious? Or... are you contemplating .... what you may think... is the uh, hum, "UN-thinkable"... divorce? Regardless the reason, please read on. The intention of this blog-site is for women like you to find solace and refuge in your questions, contemplation and most importantly, with a decision often hard for women to bare, divorce.

Someone once said it is rude and callous for a person to say, "I know what you're going through", when in actuality whatever each of us experiences, is different in its entirety but true.  However, there are elements of coincidence and actuality of every divorce case, so please, just this one time, allow me the opportunity to share with you the truth of "I know what you're going through."

I want to introduce myself... my name is Debi. In my early fifties, a mother of two grown children, "Grammy" of three precious grandchildren, employed full-time as a paralegal for a law firm right here in Utah, a practicing Latter Day Saint and... a woman of divorce - after a twenty-six year marriage! So, how different am I, so far, from you? Oh, yeah, I'm divorced and you're not, right?

If curiosity is getting the best of you, let me give you the simplified explanation of my divorce... Irreconcilable Differences. That description is the most commonly used reason / title for the majority of divorces in America. I'll leave it up to surf the internet for the best description of irreconcilable differences. In the meantime, let me just provide you with the best analogy for such a phrase: a garbage disposal of all reasons for divorce! Seriously, sometimes a divorce action is labeled irreconcilable differences for the sake of the children. Women often worry about what their children or family members will surmise if their divorce is titled "Domestic Violence", "Marital Adultery", "Infidelity", etc.  But the worry most women place on themselves is the very sad question; "what will my family think of me?"; "will they blame me"; "will my children ever forgive me"... "if I go through with this divorce?" The answer is... (again, here I go sounding callus, myself....) IT CANNOT MATTER what others think of your decision to what may very well be the best thing you've ever done for yourself, for your sanity, for your peace of mind, for your own self-esteem, for your children... for your future... for your life!

Before you read further, you need to understand that although I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, the Church does not endorse this blog-site. I offer what education I've gleaned from leaders of the Church in hopes of helping you with your personal trial, the trial that often accompanies the actions leading up to divorce, the pre-divorce process, the emotions of divorce and YOU, all the feelings and emotions that can bring you to the point of self-deprecation. You do not deserve such degradation... you've been through enough already. You are a daughter of our Heavenly Father and I promise you, He loves you beyond any love you've ever known. I KNOW there are moments of darkness and deep sadness, worry and feelings of complete loneliness. The promise is sure... HE loves you. If you could find solace in this one little affirmation; if He brought you to it, He will bring you through it. And if this little blog-site can be of any help to you... then we're doing the right thing!